When the Ministry Ministers to ME

Today we used Kelly Clarkson’s song “Because of You” in our morning program to get our students thinking about how relationships with people, especially our parents, can be broken. I’ve tried to write this blog 5 times and I can’t put into words what watching this video did to me. I’ve heard the song, but the video made the song come alive. I thought about my story. I thought about how many students are growing up with this as the cry of their heart. I thought about my parents. I thought about my sister. I thought about my wife. And at the very end of the song I thought about my kids. That picture will be in my mind the rest of my life.

One thing I can somewhat describe is that today was one of those moments when “the ministry” affected me. God used the picture of the husband and wife at the end of the video choosing to not be angry, choosing not to break like she was taught to, and hugging their little girl, to pierce my heart.

As I watched this video I began to weep over my sinfulness as a father. Who will my kids be “Because of Me?” What will the words be to their song about the home they grew up in? I know there are good things, but this song has caused me to stop and think again about my problem with anger and yelling. I don’t want my kids to grow up afraid because their dad lost it.

I lost it before I left with Noah when he threw Josiah into the couch and my heart is aching for what how I erupted. Being in Poland makes it all that more difficult because all I want to do is hug him and tell them I love him. I don’t feel guilt, I just know I need Jesus to heal my heart and make me more open to experiencing the unconditional love of my Abba. I’ll have other chances to not respond that way. I’ll hug him and cuddle with him on Wednesday, July 12th when he wakes up! I prayed for him tonight. I prayed for Josiah. I prayed for Adah. Then I just spent some time looking at the mountains reciting in my minds David’s 121st psalm.

At the end of the night I challenged our students in the midst of “doing” the ministry here to not miss what God wants to do in them personally.